When I think about my career of schooling up until college, I think of the words simple and predetermined. Neither have a good or bad connotation, they just are.
Simple, because I never had to question the path ahead. Predetermined, because, well, you can guess this one:) I’ve known from the age of six that I was on the candyland trail to big, shiny COLLEGE. The trail to making my dad proud. I could see all of this in Kindergarten! And I’m pretty sure I said “OK, let’s do this,” because here I am.
The path has definitely had some gumdrop alleys and licorice twists. Every talent show and science fair was a sweet success; every partner project that involved productive playdates left me bouncing off the walls.
It had some sticky swamps as well, like pink eye and times tables and definitely kickball.
Soon came high school and I could tell I was getting close to the end, because I could see the faint glow of the candy castle ahead. I was given some semblance of choice in my class lineup, which was a thrilling new freedom. I chose theater class over student council, newspaper over ceramics. I was basically my own woman!
Another new element of choice I was learning in high school was that of ‘to do what I am supposed to, or not to’. This one never occurred to me before, as I had been in a small private Catholic school until now where nobody even knew about option b. Here at public high school, however, this seemed to be the delicious kool-aid I had been missing out on. (Is kool-aid part of candyland?)
So I partook, and after school instead of sitting down at the table with various papers requiring my participation, I walked around outside, I hung out with my sister, I watched old movies, and I got good sleep. I was enjoying myself! And this method worked for a good while, because I think I was one of the kids who school came easier to. What was waiting for me at the end of this gingerbread shortcut, however, was a ‘move back 10 spaces’ card.
I was confused… I thought I’d figured out the game, found the easy fun in the last stretch, and was on my way to winning! What I had actually spent time building was: a loss of respect from my teachers, a disappointment from my parents, and a sense of concern from all of the above. Oh, also a waste of my potential– forgot that one.
How could I have been so stupid? I used to have a work ethic, an obedience to authority, a regard for the rules. Had my intelligence and values peaked in 8th grade?? Surely no one foresaw this fate for charismatic sweet Emma. She must have a good explanation!
But the scariest part of it all was that I didn’t. “Sorry for letting myself feel like a human rather than a robot,” I’d say; “I guess I’m just bad and we never realized it.” Put up a front to evade any responsibility for arriving here, but underneath worry like never before about my quickly declining good-ness– that was my strategy.
For the past 10 years, I had looked back at the candy path to see my dad watching me with so much love and pride. Now I was observing a look I’d never seen before, and I couldn’t even run back for protection from the bad because the bad was inside of me. It was on purpose, and now my parents could only give me a shaken look of love when I turned around. For lack of a more original phrase: how did I end up here?
The time to send our resumes to the candy castle was approaching, and so, inversely, was my time to move 12 spaces in one semester. Luckily my performances preceding this period were enough to get me some entrances, but I didn’t totally feel like I deserved them. Regardless, I accepted my favorite one and went off to a place where making people proud happens. I started with a fresh mindset my first semester here at BU (how unique of me); I felt a little like myself again, the one who is good. I turned around and saw my dad’s eyes shining again, only now through FaceTime.
And then I went home for spring break but didn’t come back to Boston for a year. Pandemic, blah blah, this was one big sour candy that we are all still sucking on. Cut to: spring semester, sophomore year, living in Boston but learning online, old habits creep back in, before I know it the loss of respect and disappointment and concern are back and bigger than before since they hold $80,000 behind them. Ultimate candyland crisis.
That semester I reached a point on the board where I had to think really hard and decide if I was going to keep playing this tricky game I’d been sort of herded into. I made it to the candy castle, I didn’t have to go further.
There was, however, a sugar stick ladder leading up to another level of the game, one that not everyone has a chance at, one that would ensure me king size candy bars and make the entire journey worthwhile. It would cost my family more than was comfortable to give and would not always be fun for me either. BUT, if I really truly chose to continue on with all the effort I could muster up, it would zap the loss of respect, the disappointment, the concern. And so I searched top to bottom and corner to corner in myself to find parts that would be willing to do this. I gathered all the ones I could find and asked them one simple question: Do you want to feel proud of us again?
I was tearfully excited to find that, yes, I did. Secretly, I wanted that more than anything.
I asked my little brain bosses, how are we going to convince ourself to do this? We will never forget the sweet taste of the Kool-aid, the gingerbread shortcut. We need to take a whole new approach and gear it toward adult Emma. And in came a phrase that, for whatever reason, resounded hugely in my sugar-encrusted brain. “Peace within discipline.” These words brought a few big clarities into my mind: I am not better than anyone else, nor would I want to be, therefore I am not above the rules; Leisurely enjoyment feels good in the moment, and it is, but ‘to do what I’m supposed to’ feels good in a much bigger way; to truly be balanced, to feel complete, I must dedicate time to both the yin and the yang.
Like a snap, I felt something brand new in my approach to school, and that was understanding. I understood why people do this, and I saw then that I did in fact want to be here! I could be comfortably content staying at home and visiting my special places everyday, and one day I think I will feel very ready for that. But right now, I thought, I could also be challenging my ability to find contentment, to learn new strengths in that, and to be the version of myself that feels both familiar and excelling at once.
No herding, full freedom, just me and my brain, I choose this path:)
Emma Tremont 